WRITING TASK 1 GENERAL TRAINING

This was written by Hana

Dear Mr Smith,

I am writing to inform you that I want to take several days off duty and I need your permission for this (1).

I would like to take 14 days off duty on this Summer from 01 June until 14 June 2017 and it would be very long holiday (2). Because I must go to my village and it is very far away from here maybe it will be needed 2 days (3) to get there by car.

In addition, my little sister want to travel together with me at the end of her studies in High School. This is because of next week, she will celebrate of her graduation (4). Therefore, I will give presents for my sister with travelling together (5) in America for a week.

Over the course of my off duties, one week before I go (6), I will check several schedules about the pay bills of customers and I will bring my laptop. So, I could be covered my job then every day I will give you daily report by email (7). For these reasons, I hope that you will (8) give me for permission.

Yours faithfully, (9)

Jacob

Correction:

1. It is clear that you need the permission to take several days off work, since you already explained it in the first place. You can omit the phrase "for this"

2. I think that you should put this in the right order. Explain what's going on and explain the reason later so,

I want to go back to my home town, and it would be a very long holiday since I am planning to take 14 days off from 1 June until 14 June 2017.

3. This is a stringy sentence, either you need to separate it into two different sentences or you want to make it more well ordered. It's a double-verb sentence too and you also used passive voice there while you should use the active voice instead, so,

It is really important that I go back to my village even though it is very far away from here. It usually takes 2 days to get there by car.

4. I think the verb "celebrate" here is a transitive verb and thus it needs an Object right after it. You should omit the Preposition "of" so, she will celebrate her graduation.

5. Instead of using "with" you can use Conjunction "and", so

Therefore, I will give presents for my sister and take her to a one-week   trip to America

6. I think it's better if you put the phrase "one week before" at the end of the sentence so,

Over the course of my off duties, I will check several schedules...one week before I go 

7. Another incorrect use of passive voice, you should use an active voice for this one, so

So, I can still cover all my jobs everyday and send the report to you by email.

8. I personally think that the word "will" is kind of too strong for a formal letter, especially when you are asking for permission. You may want to consider replacing it with other expression such as Let me know if the vacation request has been approved at your earliest convenience so I can finalize the accommodation process or Thank you for considering my request. This is a way more polite way to talk to a superior.
9. When you do know the name of the addressee, use Yours sincerely

Hence, it should be like this

Dear Mr Smith,

I am writing to inform you that I want to take several days off duty and I am going to need your permission.

I want to go back to my home town, and it would be a very long holiday since I am planning to take 14 days off from 1 June until 14 June 2017. It is really important that I go back to my village even though it is very far away from here. It usually takes 2 days to get there by car.

In addition, my little sister want to travel together with me at the end of her studies in High School. She will celebrate her graduation next week. Therefore, I will give presents for my sister and take her to a one-week  trip to America.

Over the course of my off duties I will check several schedules about the pay bills of customers and I will bring my laptop one week before I go. 

So, I can still cover all my jobs everyday and send the report to you by email.  Thank you for considering my request. Let me know if the vacation request has been approved at your earliest convenience so I can finalize the accommodation process.

Yours sincerely,

Jacob


This one was written by Nita

Dear Mr. John,

I write this letter because I really need your permition as my Manager about something (1).  I have worked in this company for 3 years. Company’s rules said that holiday could be taken for several days after she/he finished her/his contract agreement for 2 years and be fulltime worker (2). 

I ask you to give me (3) 7 days off work. I know it’s very long days but I do it without no reason (4). I will go to Japan for a week because my sister sick (5) and I want to take her there because she need (6) to operate her cancer in Osaka hospital. I have to arrive there on July 30th so I will work off on July 28th because (7) I need to prepare anything. She is my only one sister and I can not dedicate it with another because my mother is too old for this responsibility and we do not have relative (8). So I need to cover it by myself. Do not worry about my work because I have asked Hana to cover my jobs while I am not in the office that (9) days. You can trust her because she is capable to handle my work for a while. (10)

I hope you can understand my situation and I wait your decision as soon as possible. Thank before (11)

Sincerely, (12)

Nita

1. No need to elaborate who and who, and this is not explained in the template. Just get down to business directly.

2. No need to elaborate the background, just state your intention directly. This is a letter so you may want to make it more concise.

3. It is too direct and you may want to make it less demanding

4. Instead of explaining that you do not do it for no reason, you better explain the reason why you do it in the first place

5. You need to add to be "is" as the verb

6. Subject-Verb agreement. Pronoun he, she, it and singular Noun are supposed to use inflection "s" at the end of its Simple Present Tense Verb

7. Did you mean: I want to take several days off work (?)

8. Try to avoid giving too personal expressions in a formal letter.

9. Those is used for plural Noun

10. You may want to take a little responsibility and instead stating "I will send my report via email and have Hanna print and deliver the paperwork to you."

11. I think it is more appropriate to say "Thank you for your consideration" and I think it is better to put gratitude before asking for their reply.

12. The greeting should be Yours sincerely (UK) or Sincerely yours (US)

Hence, it should be like this 

Dear Mr. John,

I write this letter to inform you that I am planning to take several days off work and I need your permission. 

I will go to Japan for a week, accompanying my sister who will have an operation at Osaka hospital. I have to arrive there on July the 30th so I plan to start taking days off work from July the 28th since I need to prepare anything.

Regarding my work during my days off, I have asked Hana to cover my jobs while I am not in the office those days. I will send my report via email and have Hanna print and deliver the paperwork to you.

Thank you for considering my request and I hope you can understand my situation. I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

Nita

For the next assignment, use this topic:

Wealth does not necessarily guaranty happiness.

To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Provide reasons for your answer. Include relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience and write at least 250 words.